Constellation Games microblog archive

Constellation Games is a serial novel about space aliens and video games and love and programming. As the serialization unfolds, the narrator, Ariel, posts on Twitter about his increasingly bizarre life. For subscribers who can't or don't want to follow Ariel on Twitter, the collected tweets are archived here every week. Dates in this archive are the dates used within the story, not dates from real life. Click a chapter name to see that chapter in the episode guide.

Chapter 1: Terrain Deformation

May 30

• "[CRASH] after winning a race for the 32nd time" Please tell me you didn't find that in normal play. #brillhantesbugs
• Who's worse off, the person who finds these bugs or the person who has to fix them? I get paid a little more.
• .@OMJennyG: Thanks for asking. She was typing on her phone all evening, and she wasn't even typing about me. Not even a date, technically.
• I should write my own popular livestream client. "That program you're using to ignore me? I wrote that!" #iwin #somehow
• .@Bai_8D It's a public profile, so be my guest. Take a look and see what you can do.
• .@Bai_8D Right now it says "Hi, I'm Ariel! I write pony games! Tee-hee! (PS I'm a dude)"

May 31

• Okay, you got me. Why is there breaking news from the fucking moon?
• RT @NASA_GBLO Join us in ten minutes for a live chat about the ongoing lunar quakes.
• What do these guys know, they've never even been to the moon! I get all my news direct from ILN Node 1.
• Shut my mouth. RT @ILN1_NASA @ArielBlum, my seismometer is too sensitive to see big quakes. Listen to @NASA_GBLO; they have lasers.
• Man, if the Soviet Union hadn't collapsed, there'd still be someone up there keeping an eye on things. #yaycapitalism
• CNN has bought out Lunar Dynamics comsat, airing exclusive low-res photos of NOTHING HAPPENING.
• Is there a matter plume or not? It's the g-ddamn moon, people. It's not *that* far away. "That side of the moon is dark", boo hoo.
• If only I had some work to lose myself in--oh hey, a pony game with bugs in it!
• "Ponies cannot have same name, even on import" Ever go to the track, dude? Can't bet on the ponies if they all have the same name. #notabug
• My pony Max Ernst just won the 100 meter dash in Pôneis Brilhantes 5!
• "Achievements not broadcast through social gateway" Shouldn'ta named your pony "Fuckhead", fuckhead. #notabug #contentfilter
• Now disabling Twitter on all my test phones because of the notification flood re: matter plume.
• .@OMJennyG I named all my test ponies after famous artists. Including you! #dontkillme
• Sometimes the very existence of a computer program constitutes a bug. #deep #tweetsthatgetyoufired
• "[R116] Ponies transfered via wifi are duplicated." #notabug, just compensation for having a crappy R116. #actuallyabug #yourphonestillsucks
• Against own better judgement, tuning in to omnibus space-agency press conference.
• We shouldn't have sent that one plucky self-replicating robot to the moon.
• Summary of press conference: nobody knows what's going on, can't see shit through the dust+dark, radar imagery tomorrow.
• Here's a theory: Russians never left Glavnaya, have been digging tunnels this whole time, finally caused a cave-in. @Engineer_Evgeny
• Here's another theory: FUCKING SPACE ALIENS ARE MINING OUT THE MOON WHERE WE CAN'T SEE. @EveryoneElse
• "[ES] Male ponies use female voice clips" #notmybug Wait, ponies have gender?

June 1

• Done with Brilhantes 5, put up Caveman Chaos review in honor of moonquakes.
• Good day's work! Now to get a couple nightmares in.
• .@Bai_8D Thanks for the rewrite, but I forgot to mention that I want to meet actual women, not reality TV show characters.
• .@Bai_8D Eg. yes, I do have abs, or I couldn't get out of chairs. But it's standard equipment. Not worth mentioning in the profile.
• .@OMJennyG "has own penis"
• Aaand... that's a matter plume. I'm just gonna call it now: we're fucked.
• Not enough that Earth is falling apart, now the moon wants in on the action.
• Nice sharing a planet with all you assholes.
• At times like this I regret not having had more meaningless sex. And by "times like this" I mean "weekdays".
• Erupted matter coalescing in lunar orbit? Does that happen often? I know you're scientists, but could you monger a _little_ fear?
• Radar imagery shows a square hole in the moon. Nothing square should be on the moon unless we put it there. Law of the moon!
• Good thing I already stockpiled canned food, and can openers, and can opener repair kits. #beprepared
• .@OMJennyG Good call. I'm also out of paper towels. Bring some over with the booze and we'll bunker down.
• .@OMJennyG We'll be free riders. Every other Texan will just assume we have guns.
• argh "[CRASH] [Ameo] receiving pony when memory is full" #brillhantesbug #justshipit

June 2

• HOLY SHIT
• RT That's no moon, it's a space station! (might as well start this one off as a RT)
• @Engineer_Evgeny That's not yours, is it?
• Yes, TV crackpot, the moon has been inhabited this whole time and the inhabitants just now decided to build a FUCKING SPACE STATION.
• How did people with stupid ideas get an audience before TV? The Proceedings of the Royal Society?
• .@OMJennyG I did turn the TV off but it turned itself back on. #hopeshebuysit
• @Engineer_Evgeny Not ours either, unless it came forward in time from the 1960s. #hopehebuysit
• Turns out if you don't know anything, you can be on TV *and* have a nice job as an Air Force public affairs officer!
• Fools! This is just a distraction! the surprise attack will come from Venus!
• Fun fact, @RepMarksOhio: we have no visibility into the situation because you gutted NASA's funding to pay for a fighter that doesn't work.

June 3

• AKA "GRAIL-2 data totally ruined" RT @NASA_GRAIL GRAIL-2 detects rapidly shifting gravitational field. http://usa.usa/uGXkp
• How can the press misinterpret your findings if you only provide the raw data? Wait, that's actually genius.
• Let's check back in with that dust cloud, Bob. Still nothing? Well, in news of celebrity panty shots...
• Whoa, CNN's rent-a-satellite pushed into a higher orbit by unknown forces. At this point I don't even care anymore, that's just funny.
• Brillhantes 5 finally goes gold! Well, maybe antimony. On to the next humiliating project.
• .@Bai_8D No, if bronies played the Brillhantes series I'd have some street cred.
• Did lights just go on in the space station? BBC says yes, CNN says waaah our satellite, WBN says ARE LIBERALS TO BLAME?
• Confirmed: the space station has power. The cable company will send someone over in three weeks, maybe.
• I really hope this is just the leadup to a surprise birthday party.

June 4

• Another day combining terror and boredom. Is this what it's like to feel alive?
• .@OMJennyG Generally speaking, pictures of alien spacecraft are actually blurry pictures of something else. But here, who knows?
• Space station "significantly smaller than Ceres". Set those expectations low, guys!
• .@Bai_8D Welp, I got a date for Saturday. I was skeptical to the max, but your makeover worked.
• @OMJennyG If she turns out to be a brosephine, there's a simple solution: kill Bai.
• Matter plume has stopped. I guess they're done building. Dust cloud is still there.

June 5

• Well, nobody saw this coming.
• Holy shit, how many languages does this Charlene Siph person speak?
• Holy shit in general.
• .@Bai_8D Such a relief we're not going to die. Now we don't have to confess our secret love for one another.
• Maybe I should stop trying to squeeze my emotions into 140-character chunks for a while.
• Aaand... there's porn of Charlene Siph. Timestamp on the post is 4 minutes after contact. Humanity can be proud this day.
• Going back to sleep. Back to bed, anyway.
• Wasn't able to sleep, so in theory this could still be a dream.
• 11-year-old me is sad that Ring City is not where Sonic lives.
• Got breath mints, finally allowed to talk about space aliens to normal people... this date can't fail!

Chapter 2: Corner Pieces

June 6

• Spoiler alert: the date failed. Not @Bai_8D's fault.
• I wish I knew how exactly much drinking would make me an alchoholic, so I could drink 75% that amount and save 24% for special occasions.
• .@Bai_8D a) Your date-rating scale gamifies sexuality, and thus, trivializes it. b) Extrapolating backwards, it was a -2.
• Why do these scientists get to go to the space station and I don't? #answeredmyownquestion
• I think the plan is that the scientists cancel out the politicians, and the camera crews break the tie in favor of humanity being good.

June 7

• I sure hope the Constellation doesn't find the flask we hid under the moon plaque.
• .@OMJennyG Or Apollo 15's copy of Aqualung, *on vinyl*. That shit is 70s gold!
• .@OMJennyG That's where Nixon hid the missing 18.5 minutes of tape.
• .@OMJennyG Disco spores, dormant for forty years, waiting to be revived! #dun #dun #dun
• The only minigame I can come up with for this gesture is "you've been arrested and the cops are taking your prints".

June 8

• This footage is heartwrenching. Old tough-as-nails cosmonauts back in the Glavanya moon base, bawling their eyes out.
• Armstrong and Aldrin are walking on the moon. Again.
• Writing application to get matched with a Constellation anthropologist. I mean, writing my Sao Paulo talk.

June 9

• PSA for politicians: you know the queasy feeling you get when you hear Charlene Siph talking about peace? That's how we feel about you.
• Someone should get to work on expanding Unicode.
• .@OMJennyG Can a restaurant kick you out for bringing your own hot sauce? I got five bucks says it won't happen.
• Update: It didn't happen, and I still got five bucks. "It takes two to make a bet," sez Jenny.

June 10

• Hell yeah! See you on the moon, suckers! PS game night is CANCELLED.
• When life gives you lemons, make a shitty Facebook game about selling lemonade.
• Game night is DE-CANCELLED. Tabula Obscura at Jenny's house 7PM.

June 11

• You wouldn't steal a handbag. So why make a new, identical handbag out of matter precursor? #postscarcitypiracy
• Don't copy that sloppy joe! #postscarcitypiracy
• RT @EFF Sign EFF's petition opposing the hasty, ill-conceived CONTACT Act: https://eff.org/r.2Tm
• Let's get ready to rumble! Using the API to your phone's vibrate mode!

June 12

• It's surprisingly difficult to get a full game of Quexx in. You have to clear out the entire Tool ship *and* set up fake radio chatter.
• This minigame has its own embedded mini-minigame!
• I've kind of gotten distracted and gone into replaying Temple Sphere. It's so satisfying to tranq and airlock a Tool warrior-caste.
• Smoke, pls ignore that last tweet.

June 13

• Guy on TV, I suspect the Aliens know more about their sociology than you do. Oh, wait, you're on TV, my mistake.
• Brilhantes 5 *still* not shippable. It's the Full Clip 3D of pony games!
• More like FOAL Clip 3D amirite. (This joke brought to you by me not having a weekend anymore.)

Chapter 3: Rare Drop

June 14

• Saturday: ruined by emergency bug fix. Sunday: ruined by air travel. And we all know how I feel about Mondays!!! #lol
• The TSA is more paranoid than usual and seemingly _afraid_ of something. As though the plane itself might bolt and fly to Ring City.
• In hotel in Sao Paolo. Mixing business and pleasure into a potent cocktail I call "boozeness".
• .@OMJennyG I don't pay hookers, they pay me. To jailbreak their phones.

June 15

• Brazillian breakfast is coffee with more coffee. I asked for cereal, got an americano to pour on it.
• Sadly, I'm one of the best in this business.
• I finally got to talk to Smoke-Cursive, and it bounced me in under a minute. Supposedly that's a good sign. #keeptellingyourselfthat
• Of all the melancholy faces a Russian might make, none is sadder than when they inform you the music you listen to is lame.

June 16

• @Engineer_Evgeny You snore like a mofo.
• @1HourMartin Don't get tattoos you can't read! Did they not show you the orientation video when you joined your frat?
• @1HourMartin Be prepared to return for strategic filling-in once we learn SAME, is all I can say.
• Technically it's "entry foam", since this is its first trip through Earth's atmosphere. #pedantry

June 17

• Looks like my next project will be developing microcontent for the Brilhantes social game. I'll moonlight by dealing smack to schoolkids.
• @1HourMartin Maybe the Constellation can come up with a way to deal with your bullshit.
• .@Bai_8D An argument about which pronoun to use for Inostrantsi is an argument you lose just by having it.

June 18

• OMG I JUST TALKED TO A SPACE ALIEN who wasn't interrogating me.
• .@Bai_8D Thanks for your selfless concern, but I'm gonna go with "her" and avoid the whole issue. #constellationpronouns #selflessconcern
• We have a deal! Curic will find Constellation video games that human hardware can emulate, and I will be an anthropological subject. ^_^
• .@OMJennyG That was me. A Farang emoticon would look more like .%.

June 19

• For some reason, it's kind of hard to concentrate on what's new in rhythm games for mobile phones.
• Oh, you're gonna like this. Curic has sent me a Constellation Database of Electronic Games of a Certain Complexity. #cdboegoacc #comingsoon
• #cdboegoacc has data on millions of games written in Simple Affect Metadata Exchange. (Also the language of @1HourMartin's stupid tattoo.)
• "We'll add to this dataset as we make new discoveries." - #cdboegoacc README. That was 20,000 years ago.

June 20

• Was planning to go out and buy ripoff mate gourds for friends, but will probably investigate #cdboegoacc instead. Sorry, Brazillian economy.
• Due to lightspeed lag, the Constellation thinks SNL is still good. RT @Gawker Charlene Siph to host June 27th "SNL" gawker.com/3479881
• Get your copy of #cdboegoacc! http://torre.nz/29954304

June 21

• We need a port between Sao Paulo and Austin. Air travel is for chumps. Chumps like me.
• "This machine emits a 2Ghz pulse when deactivated, as a warning to others." Wouldn't you?
• The Farang #BrainEmbryo is the best #cdboegoacc bet so far. I've ordered a replica.
• .@OMJennyG @Bai_8D Back in Austin. Burritos?

June 22

• #BrainEmbryo runners-up from #cdboegoacc: We Worked Hard On This Computer is disqualified for whining.
• No, It's Not Compatible is disqualified for not being compatible. #cdboegoacc
• Konahu Device has lots of software but the processor speed is 0.7Hz because it was powered by a pulsar. #cdboegoacc #downlow #tooslow
• The Fact Juicer's "games" are actually sales pitches for mining operations, but c'mon, "Fact Juicer". #cdboegoacc
• The 117-Ipudanud computer is embedded in a heavy artillery piece, which might cause import problems. #cdboegoacc
• #BrainEmbryo is here! And it's impossible to set up.

June 23

• "The data metabolizer metabolizes both input and output." #BrainEmbryo setup instructions
• "Rotational data is metabolized into lateral motion data, passed through a standard motion net, then decoupled using an impossibility logic"
• This is karmic retribution for when I made Dad set up my Genesis.
• Logic probe says the first 60 million years worth of converters are working, 30 million years to go. Oligocene, here I come!
• "Once the Constellation Standard Data Model adapter is in place, you're ready to install the Extended Constellation Data Model Adapter."
• "Split the RF output into a separate pool and strain it through the provided net". Better idea: give up on RF visualization for now.

June 24

• Thanks for nothing, @SureshTheDude. Your boy at the Austin office blew me off like I was selling insurance.
• Game studios fundamentally don't understand how useful #cdboegoacc is. They can make a remake, yet treat it as an original IP!
• Instead of retail therapy, maybe I should try wholesale therapy.
• Took the plunge, filed some paperwork, started a company. Tomorrow I will exchaust my stock of cliches and start doing work.

June 25

• A lot of these #BrainEmbryo games are not very good. "Amass shells until you have enough." Enough for what? UNKNOWN.
• First day of new job and it already sucks. This would go a lot faster if I didn't have to back-and-forth translations with Curic.
• .@OMJennyG Hey, employee, draw a pile of money to make me feel better.
• .@OMJennyG yay
• Sitting in front of flashing lights listening to monotonous static drone, but at least there's no cover charge. #imhereallweek #noreally

June 26

• Well, that was creepy. #bea
• "A vengeance game typical of the period." OK I'll bite, I like vengeance. #vengeance
• Hey @1HourMartin, Curic says your tattoo is SAME instructions for operating an airlock, from the airlock's POV. Have a nice day!
• @1HourMartin "You know what sucks? Dying in space! That's why I don't let you through unless I'm sure you're protected." (cont.)
• @1HourMartin cont. "Thinking of arguing with me? Fuck you! The airlock's decision is final! Reapply your space-ready clothing or exobody!"
• @1HourMartin Yeah, you lucked out with the semi-badass tat. Don't roll those bones again.
• Handle the Real Style: Best #BrainEmbryo game so far, but not really feeling the vengeance.

June 27

• At farmers market, rounding up non-skeevy meat for Sexy Cookout tomorrow.
• Who eats quail sausage? You will, tomorrow.
• Crazy guy downtown still ranting about Greys. He had his chance to be prescient, he blew it, now downgraded back to "crazy". I gave him $5.
• .@OMJennyG Bob's Preprinted Meats. For the best bargains in town, that's Bob's Preprinted Meats.
• Charlene Siph is an interstellar arms dealer on SNL, and she's not doing "self-deprecating politician on SNL". She's really into it. #scary

June 28

• Reminder to jerks: I don't have a secret English #cdboegoacc. I'm getting one-off translations from Curic.
• Flippin' the birds.
• When using my retro game room for drunken, illicit sex, please clean up afterwards. And for G-d's sake wrap your Wiimote. #thismeansyou #bai
• Dear diary, today J pushed me into another decision I was busy waffling on. Her rashness will surely lead to our deaths. Well, time for bed!

June 29

• I'm getting disturbingly good at filling out government paperwork.
• Okay, dev environment, time to amortize a little more of your exorbitant cost.

June 30

• Curic may or may not be visiting Austin at an undisclosed time in the future or past. I've said too much already!
• I seriously need to buy some more weed. What's a good brand that wasn't grown in a lab?
• .@OMJennyG I don't want to give Smox all my personal information. Just tell me what it told you.
• RT @OMJennyG @ArielBlum Lone Star Diesel is potent (and thus, relatively cheap) and locally grown. A++ WOULD GET BAKED OFF ASS AGAIN.

July 1

• Fuckin' background check.
• .@OMJennyG Will Garth Adams sign huge books by other people? Cause I got this graphical algorithms book...

July 2

• End of Events: "As the Entropy Null... you detest the flow of time. Halt it for one day, only to be defeated." Halt time for one day?
• Just got follow-spam for traditional Farang penis enlargement herbs. SCIENCE FACT: Farang don't have penises.

July 3

• .@OMJennyG How would you feel if a guy gave you really expensive presents like cars, but it was the exact same present every time?
• RT @OMJennyG @ArielBlum I'd think he was a cheap bastard who had access to the Repertroire.

July 4

• K'chua!
• All my canned food has been moved to little zip-lock bags. This is a problem I've never had before.

July 5

• Somewhat apprehensive about the anthropological report Curic's going to write about her trip here yesterday/today.
• Who's up for a picnic where we use up all the cans Curic opened yesterday? #nobody

July 6

• Next bro who asks me to set up torrents on his Xbox is going to get a fun surprise in his hosts file.
• Taking a new game system out of the crate: Simulates High-Def False Daylight.
• "Things I Can Only Tell You At Night" First #FalseDaylight game I tried. Spy on people to learn their secrets, then... what? Nothing, AFAICT
• #FalseDaylight is a clone of the #BrainEmbryo, so many games are ports. "Gatekeeper" -> "Her Task Incomplete Forever"

July 7

• #cdboegoacc (auto-)translated into English! http://torre.nz/30154158 #takethedayoff
• Just gonna SWIM in this fucking data for a while. #cdboegoacc
• One of the old-time #cdboegoacc maintainers really liked the phrase "The one that started the craze." Like, nuff said.
• "Make things perfectly flat. The one that started the craze."
• "Deface artworks with acid and two chisels. The one that started the craze."
• "Ruin social gatherings and religious functions with inappropriate aerial messages. The one that started the craze."
• "How much of different animals' bodies can you eat before the animal dies? The one that started the craze."
• Hopefully these "crazes" were limited to copycat games, and did not involve real live animal-eating and art-defacing.

July 8

• Finally finished all those canned beans. #themagicalfruit
• "Ruins Deluxe": Two-phase game. Build a fake ancient-civilization city, then sell souvenir crap to tourists who think the site is real.

July 9

• "Only for use while in the death-trance. Does not include hardware for invoking the death-trance." They always get you on peripherals!
• I am the catch of the day!
• I cannot find my nice bracelet.
• FYI, @StarmanJones1991 is ripping off the data I brought to the world and presenting it as his own. #achievementunlocked

July 10

• Esteban says humans will read this. Hello!
• Man, some of these #FalseDaylight games are late-night.
• "What They Say About Nanawan Boys". Apparently Nanawan boys like to give each other blowjobs.
• .@OMJennyG I dunno, they're blocky polygon Aliens. Are you into that? RT @ArielBlum Is it hot? Can you take video?
• When in Ring City, visit the Ip Shkoy Replica Village in Alien Ring. Tetsuo Milk, proprietor.

July 11

• Not liking this "Paradise Sent Perfect Leader" person from Stranger civilization 751 mya #cdboegoacc.
• "81 players simultaneously sing praises of Paradise Sent Perfect Leader, powering a looping diorama of bis heroics." #fuckyou #douchebag
• #cdboegoacc maintainers agree. "This game is evil and should never be played again."
• .@OMJennyG Yeah, G-d forbid you destroy a fucking dictator's egoist video games. Just give them really bad reviews.
• it is - it's - they are - they're - he is

July 12

• English has too many emotions, or it has not enough punctuation marks.
• .@OMJennyG Hypothetical: if you wore a lot of clothes that didn't match, how would your boyfriend react?
• .@OMJennyG HYPOTHETICAL. RT @ArielBlum Wait, I have a boyfriend? Clothes have to match other clothes?

July 13

• You can combine punctuation marks to achieve more emotions. ^_^ :) :|
• "Without You I'm Nothing? Let's Find Out!" Ominous sounding #FalseDaylight title is just a nice game about collecting antiques.
• With Ashley I translated sex into English, and he abruptly discontinued the sex act. I find it unfortunate!

July 14

• Make That Sale Ehmeyur! "Restored to popularity 306 years later when the hapless saleswoman Ehmeyur became a folk hero." #ganbare
• If someone else wants to port games to modern systems, "Opu-Up" (#FalseDaylight) would be a good choice.
• While you're at it, you can ROM-hack "KRN KU KRO KX" (#BrainEmbryo) to get rid of the swastikas.
• I perhaps should have waited to learn English.
• If you use a matter shifter once, people will forever ask you to shift things for them. I find it annoying.

July 15

• Has there been *no* progress made in open-source graphics engines in the past three years? Was everyone else making pony games too?
• It is revealed I left my nice bracelet on Luna! I thank Ευτέρπη Οξυδερκής for its rediscovery!
• "Lek Stalker": "Accuracy counts in this educational game where you locate the alpha mate in a field of similar mates." #ratedeforeveryone
• Not thrilled with the way Curic's anthropological report implies my way of life is dying out, as though I were a fur trapper, or the Amish.
• Curic says he can arrange for me to meet a human. I believe I will decline the offer! Actually, I am kidding.
• Perhaps the human will bring up a cassette tape or an elaborate clock. It is fun to speculate.
• Curic just made a bizarre request for a cassette tape. Is she doing a a scavenger hunt?

July 16

• The hero attempts to reject the quest.

July 17

• Ashley is afraid of meeting the human. "I'm not afraid!" he says. Ie. his fear is a secret! Be quiet!
• he him his he's - she her hers she's - sie hir hirs sie's - ke kem kes ke's - ki kim kis ki's - vie vir vis vie's - be bin bis be's - nae nu
• Surprise! I'm leaving for Ring City in an hour! I couldn't tell you earlier for bullshit security reasons! SPACE LIVEBLOGGING coming up.
• ON THE FUCKING MOON 4sq.com/LPYIq
• It doesn't look like I have a shot at being the mayor of the moon.
• Pix at http://☃.me/5UtMN RT OMJennyG @ArielBlum !!!! pix or it didn't happen

July 17

• Hot!
• The Ip Shkoy Replica Village in Alien Ring welcomes its first human visitor! Tetsuo Milk, proprietor.
• I walked on the moon and now I'm playing video games with a space alien. 11-year-old me can die happy.
• The human seems like a nice guy.
• .@Tetsuo_Milk Are you the person I'm three feet away from right now?
• Yes, about three feet. Hello, Ariel.
• @ArielBlum It goes like this?
• Ev luie Aka says: Winners don't use drugs.
• I don't buy any of the existing theories as to why we can't have nice things. But apparently it's true, we can't. #HumanRing